Gentlemen, this is the worst crisis the Panda Propaganda Council has ever faced!
We need full damage-control! News has got out that a guy sneaked into the panda pen at a zoo, just for a cuddle, and the panda ATTACKED him!
Of course Pandas are vile beasts that drink bourbon and smoke cigars, but we cover it up so we can rake in $60 billion a year from panda cuteness.
Incidents like last year, when pandas at the National Zoo ate a whole busload of schoolchildren, have never come to light.
So you know the drill. Herb, you plant stories smearing this victim as a panda-hater. Earl, get the panda that did it to cry on Oprah. Lois, pay that dimwit Reuters blogger to run adorable panda shots.
If we can’t fix this, we may as well hand our whole business over to those greedy thugs with the roly-poly polar bear cubs, or God-forbid, those monsters with the cute floating otters!
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